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38. “It’s a very LSD-trip phase of my life. My daughter is obsessed with Peppa Pig. This is my life. There’s three women who voice the character of Peppa Pig. And she’s a pig. Hello? And I’m so deep down into that crevasse right now that I have opinions on which actress is the best Peppa.” -Alec Baldwin
39. “It is so embarrassing how I went from a person who did not care about anyone’s children. Then you have them, and you brag about the same stuff that you never cared about. And you tell people, ‘he’s got four teeth,’ like they care.” -Seth Meyers
40. “Kids are creepy. What happens if I wake up in the middle of the night, look over and my child is standing in the doorway? Do I run? Which direction do I run? Towards it? Away from it?” -Jordan Peele
41. “If anyone else [deprived you of this much sleep], you’d have them up at The Hague for war crimes.” -Tom Hardy
42. “I thought I’d never be that annoying person [who shares pictures of his kids], but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.” -Jimmy Fallon
43. “You have to be adaptable because they consistently keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food on the carpet.” -Neil Patrick Harris
44. “My daughter, Hannah, my 7-year-old, lost her first tooth and the tooth fairy came. And then the next day we were taking a video, ‘Hey Hannah, the tooth fairy came, oh my gosh,’ and our 4-year-old—I panned down to her, ‘Hey Harper, the tooth fairy came!’ And she goes, ‘Someone was in our house?’ And I go, ‘The tooth fairy was in our house,’ and she’s like, ‘Someone was in my room? While I was sleeping? And you guys are cool with this.’” -Bill Hader
45. “He’s looking for danger at all times. We’re just trying to keep him alive.” -Jason Sudeikis
46. “There’s no real class. They don’t check to make sure you’re prepared. I had to go through more training to drive the car home [from the hospital] than I did to have a baby for the rest of my life.” -Colin Hanks
47. “Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” -Red Buttons
48. “He tells me to park around the corner, and then he gets out and he walks to school. So he did it to me the other day, after doing it about five times on the trot. So I’m driving around, and he’s just walking in his school, and I open the window said, ‘Brooklyn! I love you!’ And, you know, obviously it didn’t go down very well.” -David Beckham
49. “The doctor asked about a name and I don’t know why I said it [but] I looked at the doctor and I said, ‘We’re going to call her Beyoncé.’ My wife did not think that was funny. Then a nurse went to the other side of the room and started filling out a form with the name Beyoncé and I had to go over to her and go, ‘Uh, excuse me, there is only one Beyoncé.’” -James Cordon
50. “Everybody usually wants to be famous so they can rock nice jewelry and all that. Man, I already got a macaroni necklace. I got valuable shit.” -Dave Chappell
51. “12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” -Lin-Manuel Miranda
52. “Booking plane tickets for a family trip is a fun little test to see if I still remember all my kids’ birthdays and genders.” -Ken Jennings
53. “I do like a proper hug and snuggle but it’s tough getting it from the kids. You can get it when they first wake up and they’re disoriented; then it’s a possibility. But other than that, they’re always moving, they’re dipping, they’re slipping, they’re embarrassed, and running away.” -Mark Wahlberg
54. “My wife and I don’t understand couples where the woman is pregnant and they don’t want to know the sex of the baby. ‘Oh, we want it to be a surprise.’ It’s a surprise when they show you the ultrasound! I mean you have caller ID but don’t want to know what’s popping out of your vagina?” -Andrew Ginsburg
55. “Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” -Ed Asner
56. “Men should always change diapers. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.” -Chris Martin
57. “I would define the new aspects of fatherhood like this: It is 75% amazing and 25% demoralizing. I think any new parent can understand exactly what I’m talking about.” -Daniel Bryan
58. “My daddy? He was somewhere between God and John Wayne.” -Hank Williams, Jr.
59. “Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” -David Frost
60. “You can’t spell ‘parentry’ without ‘try.’ Of course, you’ll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out.” -Stephen Colbert
61. “Being a parent involves an unnecessary amount of fake enthusiasm around little kids’ poo being in a toilet.” -Jim Gaffigan
62. “A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime you can listen to it and think that it’s endearing and cute. At 3 a.m. it’s like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking.” -Matt Coyne
63. “A child enters your home and for the next twenty years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. The child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad.” -John Andrew Holmes
64. “A child, like your stomach, doesn’t need all you can afford to give it.” -Frank A. Clark
65. “I used to say to [Blake], ‘I would take a bullet for you.’ And the second I looked into that baby’s eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby.” -Ryan Reynolds
66. “When you’re young you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” -Dave Attell
67. “Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.” -Jack Handey
68. “I don’t have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father. Especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.” -Eugene Mirman
69. “When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, “If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.” -Jerry Lewis
70. “My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.” -Harry Hill
71. “Whenever one of my children says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ I always think to myself, ‘You don’t mean that.’” -Jim Gaffigan
72. “Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” -Greg Kinnear
73. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” -Jon Stewart
74. “Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” -Conan O’Brien
75. “My dad always tries to get me to fix his computer when I’m home. He’s like, ‘You’re really good at computers, you should be a computer programmer.’ I’m like, ‘You’re so bad at computers, you should be a caveman.’” -Mike Birbiglia
Be sure to check out our Funny Dad Jokes Collection.
